BS MakeBullshit

Performance Review Generator

Meets expectations, which we have lowered accordingly.

Manager comments: The associate single-handedly kept the office plant alive. However, our colleague also needs to stop answering "what's the status?" with "great question". Rating: Fine.

Tip: press the space bar for a fresh one. Every phrase gets its own shareable link.

What is the Performance Review Generator?

Review season is the time of year when managers and employees both pretend to remember what happened in March. The performance review generator writes the feedback for you: strengths, areas for growth, ratings and self-evaluations, all in the passive-aggressive dialect of corporate HR.

Great for team roasts, farewell cards, Secret Santa, or reading aloud in your one-on-one to break the tension. For your actual review, we recommend writing your own. Or at least editing out the part about the fish.

How to use it

  1. Click Review Me.
  2. Paste into your self-evaluation. Then delete it and paste it into the team chat instead.
  3. Rate this generator: Exceeds Expectations.

10 examples from the Performance Review Generator

  • Self-evaluation: This year I led several initiatives (attended meetings about them). I'm especially proud of my communication, which I demonstrate daily by naming files "FINAL_v7_actualfinal".
  • 360 feedback summary: Up: "Knows where all the good snacks are hidden." Down: "Needs to learn that EOD does not mean end of decade." Sideways: "Who?"
  • The employee is a team player who fixed the printer once and has been coasting since, but needs to understand that lunch is not a 2-hour meeting with yourself.
  • Goals for next year: stop saying "circle back", find out what our department does, and be more visible (stand closer to the CEO).
  • Goals for next year: stop saying "circle back", achieve inbox zero (by declaring email bankruptcy), and be more visible (stand closer to the CEO).
  • Our colleague consistently replies-all with real confidence. Area for growth: Kevin could reduce the number of times they say "synergy" to under 40 per day.
  • Strengths: Meets expectations, which we have lowered accordingly. Opportunities: Could leave fewer passive-aggressive sticky notes on the fridge. Overall rating: Exceeds Expectations in Reply-All.
  • Strengths: Fixed the printer once and has been coasting since. Opportunities: Needs to accept that the thermostat is not their personal property. Overall rating: Exceeds Expectations (barely).
  • This team member is a team player who single-handedly kept the office plant alive, but needs to understand that the office printer is not a personal enemy.
  • Manager comments: Kevin is always first to suggest we take it offline. However, the associate also needs to learn that EOD does not mean end of decade. Rating: Fine.

Frequently asked questions

Can I use these comments in a real performance review?

Most of them are jokes, but a few are dangerously close to real HR phrasing. Use them for team roasts and farewell cards, not your actual review (unless your company has a great sense of humor).

What should I write in my self-evaluation?

Real advice: list concrete wins, the impact they had, and what you want to grow in next. Generator advice: mention the office plant you kept alive.

Is this good for a work farewell card?

Yes. A funny performance review is one of the most popular farewell-card formats. Generate a few and pick the one that fits your coworker best.

More bullshit generators

Tech Bullshit Generator Buzzword-packed tech jargon for meetings, emails and pretending you read the deck. Financial Bullshit Generator Wall Street jargon, market outlooks and resume bullets that sound expensive. Job Title Generator Inflated corporate titles for your LinkedIn headline and email signature. LinkedIn Post Generator Cringe thought-leader posts: humblebrags, toddler wisdom and #Grateful hashtags. AI Bullshit Generator Agentic hype, chatbot disclaimers and AI startup pitches that confidently hallucinate. Trump Speech Generator (Parody) Rally-style parody speeches about pickleball, Wi-Fi and Costco hot dogs. Excuse Generator Oddly specific excuses for being late, missing work or skipping the meeting. Startup Idea Generator "It's Uber for haunted houses." Billion-dollar pitches, zero business model. Holistic Bullshit Generator Moon-charged, gluten-free wellness wisdom for the juice bar and yoga class. Mission Statement Generator Inspiring, vague mission statements for any bank, kombucha brand or cult. Corporate Apology Generator PR-approved non-apologies that accept zero responsibility. Wine Snob Generator Pretentious tasting notes. Hints of cedar, regret and a rained-on golden retriever. Brutally Honest Horoscope Generator The stars predict mild inconvenience, a suspicious email and leftovers. Crypto Whitepaper Generator Meme coins, Web3 whitepapers and roadmaps to the moon. Not a rug pull. Real Estate Listing Generator Honest listings with translations. "Cozy" means it's a closet. Buzzword Bingo Printable meeting bingo cards. First to five synergies wins. Jargon Dictionary What corporate buzzwords actually mean, A to Z.