BS MakeBullshit

Holistic Bullshit Generator

Sound really enlightened at the juice bar. Results not typical. Results not measured.

Namaste. I'll need you to hydrate with intention before your raw gua sha routine. That will be $204.

Tip: press the space bar for a fresh one. Every phrase gets its own shareable link.

What is the Holistic Bullshit Generator?

The holistic bullshit generator channels the ancient wisdom of wellness influencers, crystal shops and the woman at the farmers market who sells "energy candles." Each click creates a perfectly balanced blend of new-age jargon, detox claims and astrological timing.

Use it for your yoga studio's Instagram, your next essential oils party, or to finally win an argument with your cousin who stopped eating seed oils. None of this has been evaluated by the FDA. Mercury may or may not be in retrograde.

How to use it

  1. Set an intention. Then click Align My Chakras.
  2. Read the result aloud in a whisper, ideally near a Himalayan salt lamp.
  3. Charge $40 for it as a workshop.

10 examples from the Holistic Bullshit Generator

  • Mercury is in Virgo, so I'm only eating moon-charged quinoa until my crown chakra calms down.
  • Healing isn't linear. It's GMO-free, keto, and available in my online store.
  • Science can't explain why quantum vibration plate works. Mostly because it doesn't, but also better boundaries.
  • Namaste. I'll need you to fast for 36 hours before your transcendent ashwagandha gummy. That will be $349.
  • Namaste. I'll need you to set your phone to airplane mode spiritually before your raw chakra tune-up. That will be $296.
  • My yoga teacher says my lymph nodes is holding onto a grudge against Brenda. So I'm doing a seven-day juice fast.
  • Gluten-free sea moss smoothie: the ability to say "I'm healing" in any argument, clearer intentions, and fewer emails. Results not typical. Results not measured.
  • My cousin who sells essential oils says my colon is holding onto unprocessed grief. So I'm sleeping with a jade egg under my pillow.
  • Science can't explain why artisanal mouth-taping regimen works. Mostly because it doesn't, but also improved manifesting.
  • I stopped eating anything that casts a shadow and now I can hear colors. Also, fewer toxins (unspecified).

Frequently asked questions

What is wellness bullshit?

Wellness bullshit is the vague, science-adjacent language used to sell detoxes, crystals, cleanses and supplements: toxins (unspecified), energy (unmeasured) and vibrations (unexplained).

Is any of this real health advice?

No. Please do not put anything in your body because a random generator said it was moon-charged. Talk to an actual doctor, who is also probably tired.

Why is it called holistic?

Because "holistic" is the most powerful word in wellness marketing. It means "whole," and also "please don't ask follow-up questions."

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