BS MakeBullshit

Corporate Apology Generator

We're sorry if anyone felt feelings. Mistakes were made (not by us).

To our valued customers: we regret that our new terms of service (which you agreed to) caused any inconvenience, real or imagined. Effective immediately, we are taking this incredibly seriously. Your patience is mandatory.

Tip: press the space bar for a fresh one. Every phrase gets its own shareable link.

What is the Corporate Apology Generator?

When a company really messes up, there's a time-honored ritual: the non-apology. It's sorry if you were upset. It's "mistakes were made" with no subject. It ends with a reminder that the company's values are "in our DNA." The corporate apology generator writes one for you in a single click.

Perfect for parody, for satire about the latest PR disaster, or for apologizing to your roommate for eating their leftovers without technically admitting anything.

How to use it

  1. Click Issue a Statement.
  2. Post it on a plain white background as a screenshot from the Notes app.
  3. Disable comments. Wait for the news cycle to move on.

10 examples from the Corporate Apology Generator

  • We hear you. We see you. We are hiring a Chief Apology Officer. We will not be taking questions.
  • In hindsight, the 4-hour outage was not our finest moment. We have learned so much, mostly about the Streisand effect.
  • We recognize that the thing with the data was noticed. Our thoughts and prayers are with our share price.
  • Our CEO would like to personally apologize for the incident we will not be naming, but is currently recording a podcast about resilience.
  • Upon reflection, we've decided our new terms of service (which you agreed to) was a bold experiment. We thank you for your feedback and have forwarded it to the shredder.
  • Mistakes were made. Not by us, specifically, but they were made. We are rebranding to ensure this never happens again until next quarter.
  • We hear you. We see you. We are launching an internal review of ourselves, by ourselves. We will not be taking questions.
  • Mistakes were made. Not by us, specifically, but they were made. We are committing to do better, as defined by us to ensure this never happens again until next quarter.
  • Our CEO would like to personally apologize for our new terms of service (which you agreed to), but is currently unavailable for comment.
  • Global Dynamics takes the surprise layoffs announced via Zoom very seriously, as you can tell by this stock photo of a sunset.

Frequently asked questions

What is a non-apology?

A non-apology is a statement that sounds like an apology but avoids accepting responsibility. Classic signs: "we're sorry if," "mistakes were made," and "we take this very seriously."

Why do companies apologize like this?

Mostly lawyers. Admitting fault can create legal liability, so statements are written to express regret without saying anyone did anything specific.

Can I use this to apologize to my partner?

We strongly advise against it. Non-apologies work poorly in relationships, but they make excellent jokes.

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